


trying something new (with disastrous results)

by fullmetalscully



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Crack, F/M, Humor, Post-Canon, Roy Mustang's Mustache, Royai - Freeform, its roasting roy hours at central command
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29111919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetalscully/pseuds/fullmetalscully
Summary: “It certainly sounds like you’re picking ridiculous facial hair over our dear Lieutenant over there,” Havoc baited.“I’m not.”“Then shave it off. Shave it off right now.”
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 12
Kudos: 81





	trying something new (with disastrous results)

**Author's Note:**

> more memes for u all. uhhh ignore canon and military rules completely. this is pure crack and just something dumb i cooked up one night. it's been sitting unpublished for months and i just found it again today lol so time to yeet it into the world. hope you enjoy!

“I don’t think he can do it,” Havoc mused. His chair tipped back, and he swung it gently back and forth. “I think he’ll cave first.”

“I do too.” Breda agreed with his colleague immediately.

“Hey,” Roy protested quietly.

“Sorry, sir,” Fuery added. “But I’m going to have to go with Hawkeye on this one.”

“The lack of support,” Roy muttered to himself. “What did I do to deserve such insubordination?”

“No,” Havoc interjected. “The real question is _why_ would you _want_ to keep that God-awful moustache over kissing a gorgeous lady?” Havoc’s arms were thrown up in the air, his question loud and incredulous.

The team muttered their agreement together while Roy’s irritation grew. However, he did notice that Riza had diligently continued to work, but was smirking to herself as she listened in. Her expression had softened after hearing Havoc’s compliment.

“It’s not that –” Roy had started to plead his case but was immediately shot down.

“It certainly sounds like you’re picking ridiculous facial hair over our dear Lieutenant over there,” Havoc baited.

“I’m _not_.”

“Then shave it off. Shave it off right now.”

“I want to try something different,” Roy exclaimed. “I’m allowed!”

“Something different is fine,” Breda reassured him “That thing on your face?” He pointed directly at Roy, “is not fine.”

Sighing heavily, Roy gritted his teeth. “I want to give it a try. I’ll have it for a week then I’ll remove it if it offends you all so much.” He glared at each and every member of his team.

“Shave it off now,” Havoc fired back relentlessly. “Do my eyes a favour.”

“Listen,” Breda interjected to try and diffuse the tension that was building between him and Havoc. “Keep it a week… but I do think you’ll cave before her in this wager,” he added quickly with a smirk.

Havoc leaned over their desks and gave him a high five.

The “caving in” was referring to a dumb bet they’d created. The team were against him, betting Roy would give in and shave off his new facial hair before the end of the week because Riza wouldn’t kiss him so long as he had it. She hadn’t revealed to the team her thoughts on it verbally, but they’d been able to guess through her looks and raised eyebrows alone. They knew she wasn’t fond of it.

Riza had told Roy exactly what she thought of the moustache over the weekend. Her face had screwed up and she begged him to tell her it was a joke. It hurt his pride, but he still wanted to try something different. Facial hair would make him look older, more dignified. Plus, he thought if he kept it for long enough, they’d all shut up and get used to it. Then they’d come up with this bet and all vestige of hope had gone out the window. After seeing the look on Riza’s face the night before, he didn’t doubt she’d never kiss him again so long as he had the moustache. However, Riza Hawkeye wasn’t that shallow… but now with the prospect of a bet, would she actually agree to it? Did she hate it that much? He couldn’t go a week without kissing her. He was a weak-willed man when it came to Riza Hawkeye.

He’d just wanted to try something different, Roy thought sadly.

“Imagine choosing a moustache over your significant other,” Havoc shook his head.

Roy could see the amusement on his face as he continued to push Roy’s buttons, but it was still irritating him.

“Havoc!”

“Why are you angry at me? I’m right!”

“Lieutenant Havoc is correct, sir,” Fuery cut in. “It looks that way to me too,” he admitted quietly.

“I will fire you all,” Roy growled.

“Do it,” Havoc challenged with a grin. “Then you’ll be up shit creek without a paddle,” he cackled.

“All over a moustache,” Breda mused. Then, he sat back in his chair, turning to face his superior. “I will say though, I really do admire your commitment to it.”

Riza stood from her desk and approached Roy’s desk slowly. She handed him the paperwork she’d worked through. All it needed now was his signature.

“I’m not choosing it over you,” he reminded her. He made his expression earnest, willing her to understand. He hadn’t thought about how his decision would seem until the rest of the team brought it up.

“I don’t think discussions of personal and private affairs are appropriate for the office, sir,” she reminded him.

“It’s okay, Hawkeye,” Breda called over his shoulder. “You can openly admit you hate it.”

“I’ve already shared my thoughts on the matter, sir,” she replied evenly. She was giving nothing away.

“So, do you agree to the bet Lieutenant?” Havoc raised both eyebrows expectantly. "Do you agree not to kiss him so long as he has it?"

“While that is highly inappropriate for the workplace, Lieutenant Havoc, will it at least make you all go back to work?”

Roy’s stomach dropped and dread crept up his spine. He couldn’t go a week –

“Yeah,” Havoc agreed with his shit-eating grin.

“Deal.” Her response was immediate, and Roy’s shoulders slumped. “Now, let’s make our time in here productive, shall we?”

“Gladly.”

Roy glared at Havoc, who looked like the cat who’d gotten the cream.

* * *

“You really won’t kiss me if I have it?”

Roy looked like a lost puppy following Riza around her apartment. His expression was forlorn, and he looked crushed by her accepting the bet.

“I won’t lose a bet.” Her tone was resolute and final. Now that the team had made it more interesting, she was invested. Plus, if it got them to actually work instead of them spending all their time teasing Roy, Riza would gladly take it.

“Riza,” he whined, sounding like a child.

“Well, you’ll just have to shave it off,” she shrugged, as if nothing else could be done.

Roy sighed heavily. He walked over to her couch and flopped down. Hayate took one look at him, cocked his head, then went the other way. Even the dog hated it.

Riza felt sorry for him. But it was awful. A thicker moustache would be better, or even a beard, but not that pencil thin one. She’d told him that and he’d haughtily told her he didn’t care what anyone thought. He wanted to try it. So, she’d shrugged and went on her way. After their day at the office today, Riza was sure his opinion had changed.

“I don’t want to lose the bet either,” he muttered. “I have my pride on the line here too.”

“Then your decision is made.” Riza sat down on the opposite end of the couch. She curled her legs underneath her, watching his side profile with a smile as he stared up at the ceiling. “May the best person win."

It would be interesting to see the outcome. It would be hard not being so close with him for a week, but they’d had almost two decades of practice. She’d be able to last. Roy, however… It would be _fascinating_ to see how he faired. Her curiosity was piqued now that there was a bet involved.

“Yeah, yeah,” Roy muttered to himself miserably, staring up at the ceiling.

* * *

He lasted two days.

“Pay up, sucker!” Havoc whooped, holding his hand out to Roy.

“I may be a sucker,” Roy agreed. “But at least I’m with someone,” he snickered.

“That was a low blow,” Havoc pouted after a brief pause, looking hurt.

“So was making fun of my moustache,” Roy countered. He gave them their money then sat at his desk. “Now, it’s payback time,” he grinned.

Havoc and Breda’s shoulders slumped while Fuery just laughed quietly to himself.

“No,” Hawkeye warned, “now it’s working time. Get to it.”

They all scrambled for their pens.


End file.
